Ever since I was little, I have always striven to be ‘truly happy’ and have constantly analysed situations to see if they are what pure happiness feels like. Asking myself if I was 100% positive about every aspect of that moment in time would put me down when I realised that I wished a certain family member was there with me, or that I didn’t have a long list of school work to do. Basically, I could not live in the moment.
Now I’m not saying that I can fully live in the moment these days, but I will admit that I don’t worry so much about the niggling, little things in the back of my mind. You can always look for negatives; happy times will always end and happy times could always be happier (realistically), but what’s the point in looking for negatives? If we don’t want to hurt our health for one thing and essentially make this short life of ours worth living, there really is no point.
The times that I can feel myself slipping back to being anxious about whether I’m happy enough always involve my sister and if I’m honest, it really infuriates me. I feel that if I worry about the day I go back home before it’s almost upon me (for some important context, she lives about 300, excruciating miles away: I’m not throwing a hissy fit over her living down the road) then I’m not fully appreciating actually being with her or having the wonderful opportunity to see her, whether for a day, week or more.
At times like these, I almost train my brain (like the Nintendo DS Game but a LOT LESS fun) to snap myself out of whatever little melancholy mood I was in and just enjoy the moment. Because that’s when I’ll actually be appreciating being with her. And that’s when I’m going to be as happy as possible. (Or so I tell myself.) Hopefully I’ll train my brain to just live for today, whichever today that ends up happening on in the future, because as Albert Einstein once said “life is a preparation for the future; and the best preparation for the future is to live as if there were none.”
So, I don’t believe in ‘true happiness’ anymore. Frankly, it’s a lot of effort. Frankly, not everyone is lucky enough to have happy moments. But if I’m one of the lucky ones, then shouldn’t I be making sure I embrace those moments with open arms? I think so.